F*CK NORMAL

As my life becomes more stable, I’m finally able to organize and file all of the papers I’ve held onto throughout the years. As cathartic as it has been, I had to take a break due to the overwhelming memories. My babies used to be dependent of me. They needed me. As they’ve grown their daily need of me has faded and I miss it. I miss it to my core.

I’ve been so emotional lately. Idk if it’s the outa-whack hormones due to menopause, or what, but I can’t stop crying! Even though my life is amazing and exactly what I’ve dreamt of I am still on guard, or alerted… My psychologist and therapist have both talked about it with me early today. They have shared that a part of the reason for my unseen and unfelt angst is my unfamiliarity of peace. WTF! Why have I developed a distaste to the calm? I waste an unknown amount of time worrying and stressing b/c I feel more strength and familiarity with chaos! So… the one thing in life I strive for (peace) causes me so much unease that when I finally accomplish it my mind tries to sabotage it by continuing the drama and issues instead of stopping to enjoy.. regroup… reassess.

What do you do when you achieve your goal?

My life is a repeating cycle of coping skills. Most coping skills I’ve gathered during my survival and have been ‘bad’ or unhealthy. Being alert and on-guard is one of them. When do you stop using the coping skills that are learned at development? When is it safe enough to depend on a natural use of the newly learned, healthy coping skills? Will I ever not be afraid of using the ‘bad’ ones? How the Body Keeps Score by Van der Kolk, talks about the need to rewire the neurons and their pathways of one diagnosed with a developmental mental illness bc they are a different entity altogether. This week I’ve been overtaken with relief that I biologically did not pass down a mental illness to my children as I previously thought. My mental illness has been learned. The way my brain thinks has been dependent upon my learned coping skills. It was developed this way for my own survival. Now that I am thriving and am in control of my life, how do I stop my physiologic brain, or at least, calm it down enough to live peacefully?

What is the difference between a genetic mental disability and a learned one?

Are there different approaches/pathways for the different types?

Could all developmental illnesses be placed on disability?

Can different developmental illnesses be classified and treated similarly?

Will life ever be good enough?

Will I achieve peace and will I ever be comfortable with it?

We’ll see <insert shoulder-shrugging emoji>

Patiently working,

Nix