Well, inner demons, you have almost won again. All I did this time, however, is think about it. You, Dark-Mischievous-Evil=Monster, were unable to convince me to grab and use that contraption… you were close though, I’ll give you that. My heart rate skyrocketed to 136 bpm, and skipped a little. My breathing came too fast and was irregular, but I’ve learned some skills to battle you. I now have the ability to cope, something I didn’t have last time. You see, dark one I might look broken, desolate, lonely and easy to beat, but I am confident in my reasons for living this time:
Michael Gabriel Smith
Leila Jane Smith
Evelyn Ann Smith
At this point in my life, they are the ONLY reasons I continue this torture called life. I don’t want to be here. I hate being here. Being alive Every Single Day is exhausting. Pretending to enjoy it is nearly impossible… but I do it, and will ALWAYS do it because they are amazing, and their futures are undefined… boundaryless… promising… I REFUSE to hinder that.
I want to give in. I want to follow your sultry, comforting, dark advise, but I’ve made a vow. It might be the only thing I ever complete… living. Living and raising three individuals with a variety of skills. I am, and will be an available mechanism, ready to lead them down a successful path of their own living. NEVER to be affronted by your manipulative, seducing enticements.
You see, My Monster, I’ve known and flirted with you since I was a child. You were always there for me in the background, and the ONLY one I could hear when everyone left… You sure know intimacy when I’m alone. Over the years I’ve fallen in-line with you. I’ve learned the cadence of your step, the patterns of your involvement. I’ve become familiar with your ways, and they comfort me. You’d think I love you, that I feel safety in your presence, but I’m not. I don’t.
You scare the fuck out of me.
I’m not afraid of your dark form, or your eary warmth. I’m afraid your comforting words/ suggestions will one day catch me on the edge of an emotional ledge, and the thought of your all-encompassing nothingness will be too hard to refrain from. I’m afraid at the end, you will push.
Your success is always a tragedy
Compassionately,
Nix
I wrote this in 12/07/2020… I was in My-Monster’s grisp. I fought. I am alive today.
F*CK NORMAL 